Robert Whale can be reached at

Robert Whale can be reached at

My bold New Year’s resolutions – late, as usual | Whale

I was born late — exactly three weeks — despite my mother’s earnest efforts to speed the process along with various over-the-counter elixirs.

I don’t rightly recall exactly what I was thinking back then, of course, but if a guess had to be made, I’d say it probably had something to do with what I was hearing from other babies-to-be via That is, a lot of excited cooing and burbling and babbling about being ready “to go to the light.”

I wasn’t buying it. Until the day came when I, too, was “pushed naked into this assignment.”

As my friends and family know too well, I’ve never shed this tardy habit. I am still late to just about everything.

And the other day it hit me — I was late again. There I was, weeks into the New Year, and I’d yet to make a single resolution. The clock is running, best get cracking.

So, here they are, in no particular order, my most heartfelt resolutions for 2022.

For starters, I resolve to overcome my tardy habit by arriving 72 hours early for all appointments, get-togethers and interviews. Now, I recognize that showing up on someone’s doorstep three days ahead of time and refusing to go away before the agreed-upon day and hour arrives could lead to some awkward situations. But in the interest of my future, super-de-duper punctuality, I’m sure the risk of being forcibly removed will be worth the trouble.

Next, I resolve to lower the height of my forehead, which photos reveal has shot upward like Honest Abe’s stovepipe hat in step with the retreating tide of my hairline. See, I do not share the “got-a-lemon-make-lemonade” mindset that the great Seattle band, Uncle Bonsai, celebrated in the 1980s in their paean to male-pattern baldness: “You’re not losing hair, you’re gaining face!”

Next, I resolve to get to the bottom of the mystery that has vexed me for years. That is, when people report having seen ghosts, why do the spirits they describe so often manifest in clothes? And if they are clad, where did the dearly departed acquire their spectral duds? Could there be a garment district in the Great Beyond? Puzzling this out has cost me too much sleep over the years, and I need closure.

Moving on, I resolve to keep at least 75 feet away from my friends at gatherings, as they have implored me to do. I’ve never known how to read that. I mean, wouldn’t that take me out of just about any room altogether? Wouldn’t it be extremely difficult for them to hear me from the street? Doesn’t make sense, but I’ll do it for my pals.

Up next, gotta get on that weird dude for the sake of the entire household to remove the chunk of Limburger cheese — my dad called it “feet cheese” for obvious reasons — from whatever hidey-hole we all know he stowed it in during his visit three weeks ago.

And for my final resolution, I hereby resolve I will find a method for manufacturing reverse elevator shoes for the chronologically, but unhappily, tall. I’m sure there’s a killing to be made in that hitherto untapped demographic.

So, what do you think? Did I set my sights too low? I’d like to hear what you think.

Robert Whale can be reached at

In consideration of how we voice our opinions in the modern world, we’ve closed comments on our websites. We value the opinions of our readers and we encourage you to keep the conversation going.

Please feel free to share your story tips by emailing

To share your opinion for publication, submit a letter through our website Include your name, address and daytime phone number. (We’ll only publish your name and hometown.) We reserve the right to edit letters, but if you keep yours to 300 words or less, we won’t ask you to shorten it.

More in Opinion

Robert Whale can be reached at
Here’s a theory on why people embrace all those crazy theories | Whale’s Tales

Not so long ago, one could have called me a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core… Continue reading

Federal Way resident Bob Roegner is a former mayor of Auburn. Contact
Police misconduct is getting expensive for taxpayers | Roegner

More cities and counties are avoiding trials and settling with the families… Continue reading

Dr. Jayendrina Singha Ray’s research interests include postcolonial studies, spatial literary studies, British literature, and rhetoric and composition. Prior to teaching in the U.S., she worked as an editor with Routledge and taught English at colleges in India. She is a resident of Kirkland.
Changing tides: Learning and training in the Metaverse

The Indian Nobel Laureate, Rabindranath Tagore, pushed the colonial classroom outdoors in… Continue reading

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He retired as president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. He can be contacted at
Here’s how we foot the bill for reducing wildfires in WA | Brunell

Thinning public woodlands to remove millions of dead trees is a way… Continue reading

Federal Way resident Bob Roegner is a former mayor of Auburn. Contact
Did we end the mask mandate too soon in WA? | Roegner

Philadelphia recently became the first U.S. city to reinstate its indoor mask… Continue reading

Most Read